Xa kufikelelwa kwiziganeko ezicinezelayo zobomi, uqhawulo-mtshato luphambili kuludwe. Nokuba eyakho iyahlukana ngoxolo, kukho iimvakalelo ezininzi ezintsonkothileyo ezibandakanyekayo (kunye namaphepha amaninzi). Asikwazi ukukunceda ngobuninzi bamaxwebhu, kodwa sinokunika inkxaso kunye nokuxhotyiswa ngokwabelana ngamabali abanye abafazi abaye bahamba kwinkqubo. Kolu hlelo lwethu Ndidlule Ngayo / Ndihamba Ngayo series, abafazi ababini babalisa amava abo ngoqhawulo-mtshato—omnye obeqhawule umtshato kangangeminyaka emininzi nomnye ophakathi kulo.
UJessica, oneminyaka engama-32, ngumama wabantwana abathathu ohlala eNewnan, eGeorgia. Uneminyaka eyi-14 etshatile kwaye ngoku uqhawule umtshato. UPaulette, oneminyaka engama-56, ngumama wabantwana abathathu e-Atlanta, eGeorgia kunye umqeqeshi woqhawulo-mtshato . Wayeneminyaka engama-21 etshatile ngaphambi kokuba aqhawule umtshato kwiminyaka eyi-10 eyadlulayo kwaye sele ephinde watshata iminyaka emithathu.
UKaitlyn CollinsBanolwazi olungakanani ngoqhawulo-mtshato kwangaphambili
UJessica: Umama waqhawula umtshato xa ndandineminyaka eli-12 ubudala, yaye leyo yayikuphela kwamava endazibonela ngawo. Kwakumkhathaza kakhulu umama—utata wahamba yaye akazange abandakanyeke kakhulu kum nodadewethu. Kwaye ke, umama wam wathabatha inkunzi yenkomo ngeempondo kwaye wathatha uxanduva. Ndimbukele esebenza imisebenzi emithathu kwaye wasibuyisela eJacksonville. Ebene depression kancinci ndazama nje ukubakhona for yena. Yayiyiloo nto kanye endandiyiqhawula umtshato.
UPaulette: Amava am obuqu nawo ayezilch, akukho nto. Ndadibana nomyeni wam xa ndandineminyaka eyi-17. Sasineminyaka eyi-21 sitshatile yaye ndandingazi nto. Ndandiluhlaza kangangokuba xa igqwetha lam lathi kukho i-afidavithi, ndathi, ‘Yima, ngubani uDavid? Andimazi uDavid.’ Waza wahleka waza wathi, ‘Hayi, hayi, hayi, sisiLatini.’ Yaye leyo yayiyindlela endandingenalwazi ngayo ngoqhawulo-mtshato. Ndandingazi nto!
Kwinkqubo yabo yokwenza izigqibo
UPaulette: Phantse i-70 pesenti yoqhawulo-mtshato ifakwe ngabasetyhini, kodwa umyinge wexesha apho abafazi bacinga ngesi sikhundla ngaphambi kokuba babelane ngayo nabani na yiminyaka emibini. Kodwa lixesha eliqhelekileyo-ndiye ndangomnye waba bantu bacinga ngayo iminyaka elishumi. Ndikhumbula xa sigqiba iminyaka elishumi sitshatile, ndandinomntwana ona-1, 3 no-5 ubudala yaye ndandihlala kwindlu enkulu ephambeneyo kwaza kwavela ingoma ethi ‘Kanye ebomini’ kunomathotholo. Kwaye kukho umgca kuyo: Yaye usenokuzifumana ukwindlu entle, unomfazi omhle. Yaye usenokuzibuza, ‘Kaloku... ndize njani apha?’ Kwaye ndiyakhumbula ndisiva loo nto. Kwaba ngathi ndibukele imuvi malunga nobomi bomnye umntu okanye umboniso weTV okanye uhlobo oluthile lomzobo we-surreal. Kodwa andizange ndiwuqhawule umtshato de kwadlula iminyaka elishumi!
UJessica: Ndaba namava afanayo apho iminyaka ndinje, sizokwenza lo msebenzi, ndiyamthanda. Ndavele ndacinga ukuba bubomi bam obu. Kwaye ke malunga neenyanga ezintandathu ngaphambi kokuba ndenze isigqibo, ndaqalisa ukuthetha nabahlobo abasenyongweni kunye nosapho ngoko kwakuqhubeka. Kwaye loo nto yandenza ndaqonda ukuba kufuneka ndiphume. Ndaqala ndazixelela, Andifanelanga oku. Yaye yayisesona sigqibo silungileyo endandinokuzenzela sona. Naxa abantu bengavumelani nayo, uyazi, ndim oyiphilayo kwaye ndim obekumele ndiyiphile ubomi bam bonke.
UPaulette: Kodwa kukho inqaku lokuphumla, akunjalo? Bendiqala ukwehla kweli thambeka limtyibilizi lamayeza kagqirha, ndisela okwentlanzi, ndisisidenge nyani kwaye nokungakhathali. Ndaqalisa ukuziva ndingenamdla ngokwenene. Kodwa inqaku lokunciphisa lalingavunyelwa ukuba lijonge iimbuyekezo zerhafu iminyaka eli-17. Ndathi ndakugqiba ndathi ndifuna ukuhlala phantsi ndihambe ngabo ngobunye ubusuku ngaphambi kokuba ndityobele wathi hayi, yayiyingongoma yam leyo.
UJessica: Kum, umenzi wesigqibo kuxa abantwana bam baqala ukuza kum bebuza ukuba siza kuqhawula umtshato na… xa beqala ukuvakalisa le nto bendiyicinga.
UKaitlyn CollinsNgento Obeyiziva Ifana Nokwenza Isigqibo Sokuqhawula Umtshato
UJessica: Kwabakho isiqabu esikhulu. UPaulette kunye nam sinamabali afanayo kakhulu ngengqiqo yokungakhathali okuye kwangena kwaye waziva ngathi uluhlobo lokujikeleza ngaphambi kokuba wenze isigqibo. Kangangexesha elide ndandizigcinele mna yonk’ into—yayifana nelo rhamncwa lingathethiyo. Kodwa ndikhumbula xa ekugqibeleni ndazixelela ukuba ndiza kuqhawula umtshato, ndaziva ndikhululekile. Oku kwakumalunga nenyanga okanye ezimbini emva kokuba ndihambile, kuba ekuqaleni, ndifunga ukuba kwakufana nenkungu.
UPaulette: Ndiyakwazi ukunxulumana nezinto ezininzi awathi uJessica wathi: inkululeko, ukuxhotyiswa, impembelelo kunye novakalelo lwenkululeko. Kuninzi ukuqhawuka konxibelelwano ukuba ungubani, kwaye ngequbuliso kukho oku kuvuka. Kufana nokuba umntu ukutshize ngamanzi abandayo kuwe okanye alayite isibane kodwa ayisosinye sezibane zasebusuku eziseholweni, sisibane esimfamekisayo ongenakuze usihoye.
UJessica: Ewe, ngokuchanekileyo.
UPaulette: Kodwa kwakhona kufuneka ndithi, kwakukho umzuzu woloyiko olupheleleyo. Ukuziva uziva unoxanduva kunye nomngcipheko. Kuthekani ukuba ndimosha oku? Ndizakudlula njani kulento? Bekumele ndihlale ndiyifunxe? Inoba ndivele ndincame kwangethuba kwaye bekumele ndenze iinzame zokusindisa umtshato? Ndingalufumana phi uncedo olufanelekileyo? Ngaba ndifuna igqwetha? ndenze ntoni kuqala? Ndiza kubaxelela njani abantwana? Ndiwunciphisa njani umonakalo ebantwaneni? Ndiyoyisa njani le nto? Kodwa, uyazi, nokuba yintoni na, ungayenza. Unokuyiphatha. Ufanelekile kwaye uxabisekile kwaye uyathandwa, kwaye ufanele ukuphila ubomi obunqwenelayo. Iyoyikisa kodwa ikwakhulula ngendlela emangalisayo kwaye iyaqinisekisa.
UJessica: Ewe, ukubuya umva koko kwathethwa nguPaulette malunga noloyiko-kukho olo loyiko kunye nokuziva ndindisholo, kodwa xa sele uvukile, kuba ngathi awusazi nokuba ibingubani loo mntu. Awunakubuyela emva.
Ngokubaluleka Kokufikelela Kwabanye Abantu
UJessica: Ukuthetha nabanye abantu kubaluleke kakhulu. Xa ndiqala ukuxelela abantu ukuba kwakunje, uyazi, le nkululeko. Njengokukhanya kweza phezu kwam kwaye ndafana, abanye abantu baye badlula kule nto ! Kwaye nabantu emsebenzini endiye ndakwazi ukunxulumana nabo-abantu endandiziva ngaphambili ukuba andinakukwazi ukumelana nabo kuba ndandihlala ndinolu donga lufana, ubomi bam buqu yayibubomi bam bobuqu kwaye umsebenzi wawungumsebenzi. Kodwa ndikhumbula ngenye imini, ndandinosuku oluchukumisa ngokwenene emsebenzini. Kwaye le ntombazana yeza kum yaza yangathi, ‘Hee, kuqhubeka ntoni?’ Ndaye ndaqalisa ukumxelela kwaye kwabonakala ukuba uye wadlula kwale nto kanye yam. Sathetha iiyure, kwaye ukuba ndikwazi ukunxibelelana naye ngolo hlobo bekumangalisa. Yinto emangalisayo. Kwaye nokuba ngumntu endinokuphumela kuye okanye, uyazi, ndibabuze ingcebiso kuba behambe phambi kwam… iyamangalisa.
UPaulette: Ewe, ungayenza wedwa… kodwa yintlekele ukuba awunalo uluntu olufanelekileyo kunye nenkxaso onokuthi uye kuyo. Kuyoyikeka, kwaye kulula kakhulu ukwenza izigqibo ezimbi ezisebenzayo. Nokuba kukujula itawuli okanye ndithi hayi, ndiza kubambelela kule nto iminyaka elishumi ngaphezulu ukuba kuyanyanzeleka. Uyazi, akukho nanye kwezi meko zihlala zisemdleni wakho. Kubaluleke kakhulu ukuba ukwazi ukuchaza amagama kwaye uqonde kwaye uchaze ukuba ngubani ngokwenene okwiqela lakho kwaye onomdla wakho kwaye uyakuthanda ngokungagungqiyo kwaye ukhona ukukuxhasa kwaye ngubani, njengoko besitsho, umhlobo wemozulu entle.
KuMyinge oMangalisayo wamaPhepha
UPaulette: Umtshato sisivumelwano esibophelela ngokusemthethweni—lilungiselelo leshishini. Njengamantombazana amancinci sineengcamango zengubo, ikhekhe, umsesane, umtshato, i-honeymoon kunye nokuqhutyelwa ngaphaya komgubasi kunye nayo yonke i-Cinderella complex. Kambe ke, okunene kufanele ukuba kwenzeke ntoni na xa usihla ngepaseji kukuba kufuneka kubekho umbingeleli okanye umfundisi okanye urabhi okanye nabani na; kwaye igqwetha. Umntu othi, ‘Kanye njengokuba uyazi, eli lilungiselelo leshishini elibophelelayo ngokusemthethweni kwaye yonke into oyenzayo neyakho idibene. Kwaye ukuba oku akusebenzi, kuya kuba ngumonzakalo…kwaye kuyabiza.’ Kungatsho ukuba izinto azinakulamlwa—ndinamathuba amaninzi, amaninzi apho oko kusenzeka, kodwa kufuneka omabini amaqela asebenzisane. Uqhawulo-mtshato yinkqubo, kwaye iyoyikeka kakhulu, iyabhidisa, iyabiza kwaye iyinkqubo. Nje ukuba wenze isigqibo, kufuneka ulungelelanise ngokwenene, uqokelele ubungqina bakho, ube nohlahlo lwabiwo-mali kwaye uqonde igqwetha-thetha. Kufuneka ukhethe abameli bakho. Kufuneka ubhale yonke into. Awukwazi ukuba blasé. Kuya kufuneka ufunde ukulawula uxinzelelo lwakho, indlela yokunxibelelana nabahlobo bakho kunye nosapho. Kufuneka ube nolwazi kakhulu malunga nomthetho kunye nempilo yengqondo, imali, i-real estate aspect yawo. Kodwa kwakhona, kukho inkalo egxile emntwaneni: unelungelo lokugcina, ukukhulisa abantwana, isondlo somntwana, ulwahlulo lwezinto zomtshato. Ukuqonda nje ukuba ngubani ophethe ezonyango, izifundo zangaphandle, ezenkolo kunye nezemfundo yingxaki enkulu. Kwaye kuthekani ngomzimba, ngokwesondo, ngokweemvakalelo, ngokwasengqondweni nangokwengqondo? Kuninzi kwaye ngamanye amaxesha uya kuthatha amanyathelo amabini ukuya phambili, kunye nenyathelo elinye umva. Ndibone abathengi bethatha inyathelo eliya phambili kunye namanyathelo amabini emva. Akunjalo nje, ngena emotweni, faka i-GPS yoqhawulo-mtshato kwaye ulungele, usethe, uhambe ... ayilulanga kangako. UJessica unokucacisa kuba uphila ngoku!
UJessica: Hayi, ngokwenene akukho lula ngolo hlobo. Ngenye imini ndahlala negqwetha lam iiyure ezintathu ndihlolisisa zonke izinto endizigocagoca ngazo nazo zonke iimpendulo zam, kuba kukho amaphepha amaninzi kwaye ewe—uxwebhu, uxwebhu, uxwebhu! Andikwazi ukugxininisa oko ngokwaneleyo. Kwaye ngombulelo, ndinentambo kakhulu ukwenza oko ngokwendalo, nokuba kubomi bam bobuqu okanye ukugcina umkhondo weendleko emsebenzini. Ke, kum, le nto yokubhala ilula kakhulu. Kodwa ngokunzulu - gcina umkhondo wayo yonke into.
UKaitlyn CollinsNgoqhawulo-mtshato Iingcamango eziphosakeleyo kunye neempazamo
UJessica: Ukuba yimeko yongquzulwano oluphezulu, icala ngalinye liza kuzisa unyawo lwalo phambili ukuzikhusela kwaye leliphi inyathelo labo elilandelayo ebomini babo liya kuba. Musa nje ukucinga ukuba banayo yakho eyona umdla engqondweni. Kwaye ndiyacaphukela ukuyithetha loo nto, kodwa ngokwenene yiloo nto iyiyo. Nokuba ubukhe wathetha ngayo ngaphambili… sukucinga ukuba izinto azinakutshintsha. Izinto ziya kuvuka.
UPaulette: Ewe, yinyani leyo. Kodwa nje ukuzisa isiqabu kule ncoko—kukho uqhawulo-mtshato rhoqo ngemizuzwana eli-13 eU.S.
UJessica: Ibuhlungu kakhulu loo nto!
UPaulette: Kwaye khawucinge ngaloo nto-yi-2.4 yezigidi zoqhawulo-mtshato ngonyaka e-US ndiyaxolisa. Kwaye loo nto ininzi eyothusayo. Ngoku, malunga nokuba kukho ukungaqondi kakuhle, ewe, zininzi iimpazamo ezenziwa ngabantu. Bawathemba amaqabane abo ukuba enze into elungileyo. Bazityand’ igila kubantu abangalunganga. Baqesha igqwetha elingalunganga-oku kunokuba yimpazamo ebiza kakhulu kunye nexesha elide. Banethemba, banqwenela okanye balindele ukuba amaqabane abo atshintshe. Bajongela phantsi okanye bavume ukuphathwa kakubi. Basebumnyameni malunga nempahla yabo yezemali kunye namatyala. Bazibandakanya kubudlelwane obutsha kungekudala. Babelana ngeenkcukacha okanye iintetho zomtshato nabantwana. Bazibandakanya kwinto endiyibiza ngokuba yimfazwe yombhalo (kulula kakhulu ukuwela kulo mgibe). Baphosa itawuli kuyo nayiphi na isiphumo nje ukuba yenziwe ngayo. Bacinga ukuba imidiya yoluntu ayiyongozi yokuzonwabisa. Kwaye okokugqibela, yonakalisa impilo kunye nempilo yabo ngenxa yokulawula kakubi uxinzelelo.
UJessica: Ewe, ukuzithemba kubantu abalungileyo kubaluleke kakhulu.
Kwinto Omawuyithethe Kumntu Oqhawuke Uqhawule Umtshato
UJessica: Abantu abathi ekugqibeleni baliva ibali lam baza bathi, ‘Ayilunganga loo nto,’ kwanaxa ndandisithi, ‘Kulungile, yiloo nto iyiyo,’ oko kwakuyinyaniso. Baze ke abantu bathi, ‘Ndilapha ngenxa yakho.’ Abo bandinika uhlobo oluthile lwentetho ecekethekileyo, bendazisa oko ndikuxabisayo noko kwakufuneka kwenzeke. Ndandinomhlobo osenyongweni owandixelela oku, ‘Wanele.’ Kuba kangangexesha elide, ndandikuthandabuza ukubaluleka kwam. Ngaba bendilungile ngokwaneleyo? Ibindixakile ke lonto kuba kucacile ukuba ndinotata owandilahlayo. Ke, uyazi, ndifana nayo yonke indoda ebomini bam endiyikhathaleleyo nendiyithandayo indishiyile. Ke, bekuluncedo kakhulu ukuva abantu beqinisekisa oko kwenzekayo. Eyona nto ilungileyo onokuyithetha kumntu oqhawule umtshato kukuba ‘Ndiyakukholelwa.’ Yaye mazise ukuba amava akhe ayinyaniso.
Kwaye into ongayithethi...
UJessica: Kukho izinto ezimbalwa abantu abazithethayo ezithe gqolo kum, kwaye uyazi, ngokusisiseko kuchasene noko bakuthethayo abo bancedileyo. Abantu bathi, 'Ewe, abazange bayenze loo nto kum ngoko kunzima ukuba ndiqinisekise ukuba kwenzeke kuwe,' kwaye 'abanye abantu baye bahamba kwiimeko ezimbi kakhulu,' kwaye 'uJessica, uhlala kwindawo. asiyonyaniso leyo.'
UPaulette: Ewe, uyazi, inomdla. Nditshatile ndineminyaka eyi-21 kwaye uqokelela abantu ebomini bakho, akunjalo? Kodwa abantu endandicinga ukuba baya kuba lapho ngenxa yam, abaninzi babo basuke babalekela iinduli ngoko nangoko. Kuninzi ukwaliwa, ukugwetywa kunye nokuqinisekiswa okundothusileyo kwaye kwandenza ndabuza, ngubani kanye umhlobo kunye nelungu losapho. Kwelinye icala, kukho abanye abantu ababenam, isihogo kunye namanzi aphezulu, kungakhathaliseki yonke into. Kwaye babambe izandla zakho, behamba emlilweni kunye nawe, bevuyisana nawe, bekho ukukuxhasa.
UKaitlyn CollinsKwiNgcebiso Yabo Ngamanye Abafazi Abahamba Noqhawulo-mtshato
UPaulette: Into yokuqala endiya kuxelela nabani na ukuba ayenze kukuqinisekisa ukuba wenza uphando lwakho, ulungelelanisa, kwaye ufumana umqeqeshi oqinisekisiweyo wokuqhawula umtshato okanye umcebisi owaziyo nantoni na kunye nayo yonke into malunga nohambo loqhawulo-mtshato ukukunceda wonge ixesha elininzi kunye nemali. oko kumoshakele nokukhusela abantwana bakho. Kwaye anditsho ukuba ukuthengisa ishishini! Kulula ngokwenene ukwenza izigqibo ezimbi xa uziva unyanzelekile ukuba uqhubele phambili. Ke, qiniseka ukuba awuvele wenze nje ngokungxama, ukuba udlula ngokucokisekileyo nangenjongo. Ukuzisola yinto embi, kwaye awusoze ufune ukujonga ngasemva kwizigqibo zakho kunye nohambo kunye nokuzisola. Ufuna ukuyijonga emva ngebhongo nesidima. Njengokuthi, 'Yeyona nto imbi kakhulu endakha ndadlula kuyo, kodwa ndiyambulela uthixo endiyenzileyo kwaye wandijonga ngoku-ndinebhongo ngendlela endiziphethe ngayo kunye nendlela endandihlala ngayo apho kwaye ndaqonda ukuba ndinguye. efanelwe yimiphumo ebhetele.'
UJessica: Ngoko ke, ndandingazi nokuba umqeqeshi woqhawulo-mtshato ukhona ngaphambi kokuba ndidibane nomhlobo owandazisa kuyo. Kodwa ewe, ndincoma kakhulu ukuba ufumane umqeqeshi woqhawulo-mtshato okanye umntu onokukunceda kule nkqubo. Ngokwenyani andazi ukuba ngendenze njani ngaphandle komnye. Udinga umntu oza kukunceda ekuqeqesheni kule nkqubo, kuba uneemvakalelo kwaye utyalwe kuyo. Kodwa baye badlula kuyo kwaye banokukunika uluvo olungakhethi cala kwizinto ezinceda kakhulu, kakhulu. Kodwa ndicinga ukuba eyona nto inkulu kum yayikukuba ndinike ingcebiso kumntu ohamba kuyo kukuba: Musa ukoyika ukwabelana ngebali lakho kwaye ufumane uncedo. Nokuba akuyomeko yongquzulwano oluphezulu, fumana umntu oziva ukhululekile ukuthetha naye onokukunika iingcebiso eziqinileyo, eziphilileyo.
ENXULUMENEYO: Ukudlula Ngayo / Ukuhamba Ngayo: IVF
Incwadi kaPaulette, Isicwangciso esiNgcono soqhawulo-mtshato iphumile ngoku.
