Yayikade iyintshukumo yam yokutyikitya enkulu. Ukuba bendinokungavisisani nomfana, umhlobo okanye ilungu losapho, bebeye banike intetho enomsindo malunga nembono yabo kwaye bendiphendula ngokuthi... Ndandizama ukuphuma endlwini ngokukhawuleza kangangoko ndinako, ndize ndichithe iiyure (okanye iintsuku) ndizama ukuzipholisa ndigqibe ngento endifuna ukuyithetha. Emva kokuba ndiyibonile, ndandibuya, ndicele uxolo kwaye ngokuzolileyo ndichaze icala lam kwingxabano. Yayibubuchule bokulwa obungenangquzulwano obandithintela ukuba ndithethe nantoni na endiya kuzisola ngayo, ndacinga.
Kodwa akuzange kube kudala umyeni wam ngoku endibiza kuqala kubudlelwane bethu apho ndaye ndaqonda ukuba kukho into engalunganga endiyenzayo. Ngaba uyazi ukuba kubuhlungu kangakanani ukuba uvele unyamalale, xa ndingazi ukuba kuqhubeka ntoni okanye uziva njani? wandibuza. Khange ndiyicinge nokuyicinga loo nto. Into endandicinga ukuba yayiyikuphelisa loo ngxabano yajika yaba kukuqweqwedisa amatye, umkhwa oyityhefu gqitha okwathabatha iminyaka ukuba ndiwuyeke.
Yintoni i-Stonewalling, Ngokuchanekileyo?
I-Stonewalling sesinye sezona ziqikelelo zine ezinkulu zoqhawulo-mtshato, ngokutsho kukaGqr. John Gottman weGottman Institute , kunye nokugxeka, ukudelela kunye nokuzithethelela. I-Stonewalling iyenzeka xa umphulaphuli erhoxa ekusebenzisaneni, avale, kwaye ayeke ukuphendula kwiqabane lakhe, utshilo. Kunokuba bajongane nemiba kunye neqabane labo, abantu abenza i-stonewall banokwenza iindlela zokuphepha ezifana nokuphuma, ukuguquka, ukwenza izinto ezixakekileyo okanye ukubandakanyeka kwizinto eziphazamisayo okanye eziphazamisayo. Ewe, yincwadi yam leyo kumlo. Ikwayinto efanayo nonyango oluthe cwaka, onokuthi uyikhumbule kwisikolo samabanga aphantsi asiyiyo kanye eyona ndlela iqolileyo yokujongana neengxaki.
Andizange ndicinge ukuba ndihamba ngamatye. Ndiyeke Njani?
I-Stonewalling yimpendulo yendalo yokuziva unzima ngokwasengqondweni, i Gottman Institute iwebhusayithi iyachaza. Usenokungabikho kwimeko yengqondo ukuze ube nengxoxo ezolileyo, enengqiqo ngoku. Ngoko kunokuba uzibethe xa urhoxa xa nixambulisana, yiba nesicwangciso esilungele ixesha elizayo. Ukuba iqabane lakho liqala ukukhala malunga nokuba ungaze uzihlambe izitya kwaye uziva ngathi sele uzoqala ukwakhiwa ngamatye, yima, uphefumlele phezulu kwaye uthethe into ecaleni kwemigca, Kulungile, ndiziva ndinomsindo kakhulu kwaye ndifuna ikhefu. Ngaba singanceda sibuyele koku kamva kancinane? Ndicinga ukuba ndiya kuba nombono ongakumbi xa ndingenamsindo. Emva koko thatha imizuzu engama-20- hayi iintsuku ezintathu—ukucinga, ukwenza into ezolileyo njengokufunda incwadi okanye ukubethwa ngumoya, uze ubuye uze uqhubeke nengxoxo kwindawo ezolileyo.
Ndimele Ndenze Ntoni Ukuba NdinguLowo Utyholwa Ngamatye?
Nangona kunzima kakhulu yenza umntu ayeke ukubetha amatye, indlela yomyeni wam yayiluncedo kakhulu kum. Ezolile wandichazela indlela endandimphatha ngayo, waza wandinceda ndaqonda ukuba ubuchule bam babuyingozi ngakumbi kunokulunga. Wathi yena ngekhe akhethe ukuthetha into endizisola ngayo xa sixambulisana ndize ndixolise ethubeni kunokuba ndiqumbe ndingathethi. Ukungathethi nto kwamenza wanexhala ngam kwaye wayenexhala ngekamva lobudlelwane bethu. Azange khe ithi qatha nanye kuzo de wayiveza.
Ukuba iqabane lakho liphulaphule imbono yakho kwaye liyavuma, kodwa liqhubeka libeka ilitye ngexesha leengxabano, linike ixesha-ngokuqhelekileyo, imikhwa emibi kunzima ukuyiyeka. Kwelinye icala, ukuba ufumana ingqiqo yokuba uqala ngabom stonewall kuba uyayazi ukuba iyakukhathaza, inoba lixesha lokuyiyeka.
